From: David Hasselhoff
To: Jamie
Subject: In Your Eyes, My Ass
Date: Tues, 21 Aug 2007 11:55 PM

Jamie,

John Cusack? John "I'm so sensitive or at least I was back in the'80's during my film-career heyday" Cusack? You've got to be kidding me!

• See this? That's right, lady. No gorgeous man hair peaking out of that shirt.
• And this? Not at all loved in Germany.
• And what about this? Look at me! That little sonuvabitch probably drives a Prius.
  

I'd walk the ends of this earth and back, Jamie, to have you in my arms. But don't insult me by throwing Lloyd Dobler in my face. Lloyd has nothing on Mitch.

Valiently yours,
DH

P.S. Just between you and me ... I wouldn't turn you down were you to suggest a Jamie sandwich with a slice of Lloyd on one side and a slice of Mitch on the other ... especially if once or twice the slices could meet as well.

A Blast from my Past

Dear David

I don't know how else to say this other than, I'm afraid there is someone else. I had a bit of a blast from my past today. An old flame of sorts. It was John Cusack. It just made me think about what a great, beautiful, sensitive, talented man he is and then it made me think that John is, well... everything you are not.

I'm afraid that my heart belongs to John.

I hope you can understand.
Jamie

PS: You can barely run your own life, how could you think you could run for president? I'd rather see Bush elected for a third term... Never mind, I can't even finish typing that without breaking into a cold sweat. Hell, who am I kidding? Neither of you guys are qualified for the positions you have. Just add that president shirt to my previous t-shirt order from you website.

PPS: Send one for John too.

From: David Hasselhoff
To: Jamie
Subject: Damn those California laws
Date: Thurs, 9 Aug 2007 8:50 PM

Dear Jamie,

I checked with my attorney this afternoon and, sadly, confirmed that there is a California law prohibiting remarriage within six months of a divorce. Looks like we'll have to delay the aisle walk ... but how about some ol' fashioned making out in the meantime? I hear there's a waterfront festival in Portland this weekend. I believe it's called The Bite? I'd love to take a Bite out of Portland and a nibble out of your neck.

Just remember not to mention it to my ex-wife. She's crazy.

Yours,
Dave

P.S. Speaking of marriage, I was thinking you'd make a great first lady ... what do you think?

In response to Hooked on Your Feeling

*swoon*!!

You sure know the right buttons to push on me. I knew you were an athlete but snowboarding down a straight drop and flying. Man. How can any woman in her right mind resist that!

And your voice... It is like vanilla chocolate melted and then folded into a fluffy souffle served with a melting scoop of soy ice cream. DEE-LISH!

Every time I think about how you looked at me over your shoulder in your tuxedo. Well. When can I see you again?

Please forgive my earlier post. You know how fickle I can be. But that is one of the things I love about you. You love me for me. All of me.

Maybe we can talk about the future. together.

Love,
The future Mrs. Hoff (fingers crossed)
Jamie

The Beach & Drinking

Dear David

I'm afraid I may be having second thoughts about this. Whew... How do I say this?... I'm sorry, the pictures of you at the beach... without your shirt... *urp* I had the same reaction when I watched the video of you when you were drunk.

Dave, darling, it just isn't going to work. I tried! I truly did. But... I'm sorry. It's over.

Thank goodness you have that bright wonderful little girl. Are you sure she isn't mine?

Jamie

From: David Hasselhoff
To: Jamie
Subject: I drink because I love you
Date: Wed, 8 Aug 2007 10:50 AM

Dear Jamie,

Have you seen this video? It's a little embarrassing, I know; but I was acting this way because I WAS DEVASTATED THAT YOU WON'T SEE ME!

Love,
D

From: David Hasselhoff
To: Jamie
Subject: I'm hooked on YOUR feeling
Date: Wed, 8 Aug 2007 10:48 AM

Dear Jamie,

I was thinking about you when I created this.

Love,
D

From: David Hasselhoff
To: Jamie
Subject: Next to my heart
Date: Wed, 8 Aug 2007 10:45 AM

Dear Jamie,

I went to the beach yesterday. While I had a good time with my daughters, my good friends and former castmates, and my abs, my day just wasn't complete without you there.

Until I see you again, I'll have to be content with keeping you close by wearing your wisdom tooth around my neck.

Your lover,
D

From: Jamie
To: David Hasselhoff
Subject: Re: Come hassle the Hoff!
Date: Mon, 6 Aug 2007 21:56:05 -0700

Dearest Dave

I fear I have been too harsh. Good luck with the book sales and please have your good friend Robin make me a freezer paper tee that reads "Take it off 4 The Hoff", just like the one on your website. I love that shirt and you so much that it hurts.

I wish I could handle The Hoff,
Jamie

From: David Hasselhoff
To: Jamie
Sent: Monday, August 06, 2007 11:41 AM
Subject: Re: Come hassle the Hoff!

Dear Jamie,

Thanks for writing! I would have written back sooner but I've been very busy filming music videos, making personal appearances, and personally meeting my millions of fans all over the globe.

I'd be thrilled to help you improve your popularity!! You might have already heard, but I've written a book to be published next year about developing Hoff-like charisma to attain true popularity. The book, tentatively entitled "Nobody Puts a Hoff in the Corner: Harnessing the Power of the Hoff," will no doubt help you be invited to the parties you mentioned.

Until you can discover the book's secrets for yourself, you might consider filling your wardrobe with items like those found on this site: http://shop.hasselhoff.com/ I've no doubt they'll help you win friends and influence people! And remember: nothing says "I'm worth knowing" better than a skimpy red swimming suit and loads of chest hair!

Love,
DH